Why should I focus on my own death when I am grieving for someone else’s?
When we grieve, the struggle is not limited to accepting the loss of another person’s life. It’s also about accepting our own death.
One component of grief that is rarely talked about is the way it makes death real. If you’ve ever lost a close loved one, you might have experienced, along with all the other feelings of loss, a sense of being purely dumbfounded. Like, “I can’t BELIEVE they ACTUALLY died! One minute they’re here?! And now they’re dead?! How can that be?!”
There is something utterly shocking about someone close to you dying. Even though we know that people die all the time and that everyone will die at some point. That feeling of shock is an indicator of the day-to-day denial that we do on some level.
We understand the inevitability of death as a fact but at the same time, we don’t believe it. Or we ignore it. Push it away into a hidden corner of our psyche. But when someone you love dies, it pulls death out of the shadows a little. It can add to the horror and questioning of the meaning of life that is part of the grief experience. But it’s also an opportunity to pull it out further.
Now that death is spilling out from the dark corners, you might as well shine a light on it and have a good look. From that vantage point, you can make choices that can make the most unacceptable circumstances more acceptable. You can soften some of the hardest edges of you own fears, and better process you grief.
Death is something we all share. When someone you love dies, it can feel so painfully separating. Sometimes we have survivor’s guilt. It seems strange but it can be really helpful to be reminded that no one is a survivor forever. Death is simply a part of everyone’s life, no matter what. Reflecting on your own death, in a safe and compassionate environment, can help you feel more connected - to nature, to yourself, and to the person who died.
Life and death, love and loss. They are woven together from the beginning. Grief is a byproduct of love. Death is a byproduct of life. If you want a supportive facilitator to help you be more present for both, schedule an introductory call with me or check out my services.
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Photo Cred: Victoria Bilsborough, Unsplash
Another reason that contemplating your own death while you are grieving can be helpful is that it can help to ease some of the feelings of separation that can be painful when someone dies.
It can also alleviate survivors’ guilt. Reminding yourself that you will not be a survivor forever and that there are no guarantees about how long you have can help to quiet feelings of guilt around your life continuing while your loved ones has ended. It helps to bring your loved one’s death and your own inevitable death into their natural place in a universe made solely of forms that are constantly changing.